Monster Media 1994 #2/Monster Media No. 2 (Monster Media)(1994).ISO/magazine/rubyv33.zip/RUBY33-9

Text File | 1994-05-15 | 12KB | 230 lines

Copyright 1994(c)

                  PHONE HOME. SAY I'LL BE LATE.
                    A Ruby Begonia Adventure

     During June, the universal months of weddings, the object
winked into being and sent out a probe. Several of the RIME writers
felt a brief, invasive nudge and then nothing.
                               ***
     Cypra freshened her make-up and stared balefully at the clown
hair. She wondered if she'd be able to find a hat large enough to
cover up the curly perm she'd given herself which hadn't turned out
quite right. She sighed. The wedding was hours away and she had to
do something... and fast.
     On second thought ...
                               ***
     Jackie Jones nudged Curt and indicated her watch. She raised
one eyebrow and waited.
     "Oh, gag," said Curt, "I don't really have to go to this
circus, do I?"
     "Want a house guest?" asked Jackie.
     "All right, all right, I'm going," said Curt. "The reception,
too?" he asked plaintively.
     "Correction," said Jackie, "make that two houseguests."
     "Pass me that cumberbund," said Curt.
     Some brave souls had books to write and articles to sell, and
refused to go.
                               ***
     Kent and Tess packed their bags and readied to board the plane
that would take the Ballards to the wedding of the cyberspace year.
     "What's in the box?" Tess asked of the beautifully wrapped
pristine white package with a large bow.
     "A set of socket wrenches," said Kent.
     "Nice," said Tess. "And so appropriate."
                               ***
     "Who's she marrying?"
     Louise regarded Hagan with wide, lavender eyes whose sooty
lashes matched the raven tresses. She held a gown up to her tiny
waist and spun to get the effect.
     "Who knows? Who cares?" Hagan responded.
     "Point well taken," said Louise. "How's this?" She held
another gown up to the tiny waist.
     "Ravishing," said Hagan, and she nodded in satisfaction.
                               ***
     Dave Bates expected it would be a long night. Bobby Joe Brick
had been moping around all week after learning that Ruby was to be
married. Fortunately, Bobby Joe hadn't been invited to the wedding
and spent the day drinking ouzo and chasing it with hot beer. He
was now passed out on the living room couch, and with any luck it
would all be over before Bobby Joe regained consciousness. Dave
checked his formal tie in the mirror and headed out to pick up his
date.
     He wished he'd been brave enough to refuse to go.
                               ***
     Rosemary McGuire adjusted the Scarlett gown of hot pink and
regarded herself in the mirrow. "Ugh!" she said, aloud. Being
Ruby's bridesmaid beat having her as a houseguest, but not by much.
She'd heard that everybody had been coerced into attendance by
threats of extended visits from Ruby and her intended, who was
unnamed but whom most supposed was Sludge.
     Rosemary thought some brave souls wise to refuse to have
anything to do with this charade. She had no doubt there would be
no wedding, and Ruby would use the event as an excuse to collect
another pile of hockable merchandise to support her escapades.
                               ***
     Howard Belasco had received a personal visit from Ruby. Out
she'd come from the computer screen, much like a toxic mist, and
whined and cajoled until he agreed to attend the wedding. She'd
then poppped over to Dr. Bonnie Anthony's house and droned on and
on about "doing the right thing," until Dr. Anthony had been forced
to ponder.
     "Will it get you off the networks?" asked Dr. Anthony.
     "Well, we'll have to have a honeymoon, of course," Ruby had
said.
     "Go for it," said Dr. Anthony.
     "I thought shrinks weren't supposed to give advice," Howard
pointed out.
     "Hey," said Dr. Anthony, "this is Ruby Begonia!"
     "Good point," said Howard. "Shall we?"
     "Somebody's got to," said Dr. Anthony.
                               ***
     The gang was all in evidence. They made an interesting-looking
group. The invitations had read "Come as a favorite character in
history," and Cypra had elected to simply buy a multi-patterned
jumpsuit and come as Emmet Kelly. Howard Belasco wore a pirate's
outfit, pulled his left sleeve beyond his fingers and told
everybody he lost his hook clinging to the door in resistance on
the way to the wedding. Dr. Anthony was dressed as Madam Curie.
Only Dave Bates actually wore a tuxedo, but that was because he
came as Wayne Newton.
     Rosemary McGuire, a member of the wedding party, felt really
silly standing next to Sharon Skelly, who had chosen to come as a
Hershey's Kiss.
     "What does that have to do with history?" Rosemary wanted to
know.
     "Honey, chocolate is the root of all," said Sharon. "There can
be no history without chocolate."
     "Damn!" breathed Rosemary. "That's profound."
     Sharon smiled sweetly.
     The group met at the crossroads of swirling mist where The Man
in The Gray Leather Jacket waited to read the vows from his copy
of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Soon, a muffled roar
was heard, the thrum growing louder as the bride drew near.
     "Hey!" objected Rosemary McGuire. "That's just your usual
outfit. I thought we were supposed to come as our favorite
character in history."
     "I *am* my favorite character in history," said Ruby. "Nice
outfit," she said to Sharon, who smiled sweetly once again.
     "Where is the groom?" asked The Man in The Gray Leather
Jacket.
     "More importantly, who is the groom?" asked Cypra.
     "Well, Sludge would be the most obvious candidate, but you'll
just have to wait and see," teased Ruby. "Patience is a virtue."
     "Don't bring virtue into this," murmured Howard Belasco.
     A limousine slid to a stop at the crossroads, smoked windows
glinting in the mist. A man stepped from the car wearing perfectly
normal clothes. The crowd assumed he was lost, and readied
themselves to direct him on, but he stepped to Ruby's side and took
her hand. A collective sound of surprise rose from the crowd as
murmurs of "Isn't he already married?" and "What's the little woman
gonna think about this?"  and "Thought he wasn't coming," were
heard.
     The Man in The Gray Leather Jacket opened his mouth. Before
he could speak, the couple poofed away into the atmosphere.
     "Damnest thing I ever saw," muttered Howard Belasco. "Was that
supposed to be the groom?"
     "They didn't take the presents," said Rosemary, pointing at
a large mound of gift-wrapped wedding presents. "I could really use
that toaster," she mused.
     "Touch nothing," advised Dave Bates. "It might bring her
back."
     The wedding party drifted away in the mist, murmuring among
themselves.
                               ***
     Ruby woke alone on the ground atop a pile of what appeared to
be wedding presents, her bike nearby. She ripped all the wrappings
off, packed the socket wrench set in her saddlebags and abandoned
a pile of Cuisinarts, toasters, embroidered linens and china plates
by the roadside. She climbed onto her Harley and thrummed off into
the mist, an ache in her head and a vague recollection of an ill-
fated wedding nudging her consciousness.
     As she faded to a dot in the mist, The Man in The Gray Leather
Jacket watched her go. He expected conference participants would
be both surprised and dismayed to see so quick a return of their
nemesis. He tossed a tarp over the mound of wedding presents and
went on his way, dismissing the entire virtual experience from his
mind. He found himself humming a Broadway tune from the musical,
Gypsy.
     "Mama gets married, and married, and married, but never gets
carried away," he hummed, and smiled to himself.
                               ***
     "Listen, I'm a writer. I don't belong here at all," protested
the pseudo-groom as he tried to convince his captors to loose him.
"Besides, I couldn't have gotten married to anybody, much less that
Begonia creature. I'm already very married... have been for years.
This is all some sort of terrible mistake... or a nightmare... or
something. I only came to congratulate the bride, but I'm damned
if I know why."
     The commander studied his specimen.
     "Look at it this way," he suggested, squinting up at his
captor from his four-footed stance, "all you have to do is record
our history. You can be published wherever you like, and we'll see
to it that the royalties pour in. You're gonna' love it. Best
sellers up the wazoo."
     "How can you guarantee all that?" the captive demanded.
     "Same way we got you here," said the commander, "mind
programming. You weren't going to the wedding, remember? Besides,
if you have to have your mate, we can arrange that. I don't, for
the life of me understand, however, what you had against the gal
with the fish shoes. Aside, of course, from the fact that she had
no pulse."
     "And my agent?" asked the captive.
     "What's an agent?" asked the commander.
     "Maybe this is *not* such a bad deal," said the captive.
                               ***
     "I almost married who?" Ruby demanded of Del.
     "You heard me," said Del.
     "But, I don't even know him," Ruby protested. "And what are
all these beans down my bosom?" She fished out a handful of dried
beans and dumped them on the table.
     "You said rice was common," said Del. "We figured if anybody
knew about common, it was you, so we respected your wishes."
     "Well... rice is common. That don't mean I want to wear beans,
neither, though," said Ruby.
     "It was beans or broccoli," said Del. "I voted for broccoli."
     "This is nuts," said Ruby. "I wouldn't get married no way, and
specially not to somebody I don't know. What'ja say he does?"
     "He's a writer. A very prolific and well-known writer," said
Del.
     "Sort of like F. Scott Fitzgerald?" asked Ruby.
     "I guess so. Fitzgerald married a kook, too, as I recall,"
said Del.
     "I was gonna marry somebody's been married before? And to a
kook?" asked Ruby, as usual missing the jibe.
     "Never mind," said Del.
                               ***
     The Pink Harley pulled into the mist of the crossroads, and
Ruby helped her passenger from the rear.
     "Don't ferget'cher suitcase," said Ruby.
     "This is simply unbelievable, Miss... uh...?"
     "Begonia. Ruby Begonia," said Ruby, "an' it might be a little
strange, but it's believable, all right. Why every single writer
I know would give his eye-teeth to get an offer like this."
     "And you say it was simply a fluke that it happened to be my
husband who was chosen?"
     "That's right. Sludge was s'posed to be the groom but he got
in a pool game at the Mad Dog Tavern an' lost track of the time.
Your hubby was only s'posed to be a guest, but ain't it all worked
out nice for him? Imagine gettin' published all the time an' making
a killin' doin' it," Ruby mused. "If I didn't know better, I'd
suspect this was all some sort of plot by aliens."
     "Well, I'm sorry your wedding was disrupted Miss,... uh...
Ruby."
     "No biggie," said Ruby. "It's only virtuous, anyway."
     "And this relocation of ours?" asked her passenger.
     "Oh, that too, of course," said Ruby. "Nothin' is real here
in the gray mist. Well, cept me an Sludge an that guy in the gray
jacket."
     A shadow overhead alerted them to the return of the winking
object. A beam shone down and scooped up Ruby's passenger and a
voice boomed: "Isle Beee Back!"
     "Zatchoo, Herm?" Ruby asked.
     The object quivered and disappeared upward at an alarming rate
of speed, the response wafting down from the clouds:
     "Ruby gets married and married and married," it sang, "and the
Holtz's get carried awaaaaayyy..."
     "Up, up and away'd be much more appropriate," snorted Ruby.
                               END